It seems to me that me and my mommy friends have a number of parenting tools and conveniences at our finger tips these days. I’ve often thought if I can’t parent in this day and age, I probably can’t parent. Snap-n-go’s, the thing with wheels that you can strap your convertible car seat (and let’s be honest, toddler) to and roll them through the airport, travel systems, sun tents, pop-up bassinets, Johnny Jump Up’s, exer-saucers and numerous other tools of confinement. Pre-portioned, pre-packaged and even healthy snacks for on-the-go. It makes me wonder, how did mommies-past do it without these conveniences? I mean, I know how they did it. With a lot of planning. But I feel grateful to live in a world where if I need it, I can buy 15 more minutes of errand running or grocery shopping by sticking apple sauce packaged in a convenient pouch, in my daughter’s face.

I can see it in the eyes of every middle-aged woman when I’m cruising around with my Bob. My Mom and the moms of my peers are imagining all the things they could have achieved with the same tools-of-the-trade. I’m pretty sure I can read my Mom’s mind when she thinks, “you can safely confine, entertain and feed the kid with little to no effort. Why can’t you also keep your floors clean”? And she’s got a point. So I wonder, how can I sometimes feel so overwhelmed by this seemingly easier time in which to be a parent?

I think I have arrived at the answer: Because I am of “advanced maternal age”, maybe it’s that I’m a little smarter than say, I would have been, doing this, in my 20’s. I was not a mature 20-something. And though I probably would have had more energy to do this job, I would have been less aware of the significance and importance of it. This satisfies me, the answer is that I’m just “smart” enough to be overwhelmed by the enormous responsibility of rearing contributing members of society. Yup, that must be it. Balancing child-rearing and housework is waaayyyy too much. This reasoning would actually make sense if  I was doing amazing projects with them, taking them on field trips to amazing places, dusting off the flashcards, making little geniuses. Which I’m mostly not. I mean, some days I hear myself parent and even I think, “that was weak”. Preschoolers and toddlers smell weakness. Must work on parenting confidence/do amazing projects/take on amazing field trips/create little geniuses. But with all these tools, some days, if we all make it through alive and no one eats a sticker, I feel accomplished. Maybe the actual answer is, it’s all relative. I have more tools but it still feels hard. My Mom was better off than a pioneer woman but I bet it didn’t feel easy at the time. Maybe the answer is, some days, no matter the tools, motherhood can be really hard.

Thankfully, one of the most amazing parts of motherhood is timing. Because on really hard days, when Soren is unrecognizable to me, tools don’t matter and I start thinking, “Oh yeah, kid…I’m done with this” or “I’m going back to work” or “how could Paul do this to me and where in the H-E-double-hockey-sticks is he?”, I get a hug or a kiss or an unsolicited “I love you”. And I thank God for unsolicited “I love you”s. They are the difference between starting each new day with a clean slate or running for the border. Canadian border. I have relatives there.

Reset.